DOMS-Dumb Onset of Muscles deciding they SUCK

In an attempt to get Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger, Ive become weaker. Dumb. I am so sore from the re-establishment of a finite resistance training program that the only result thus far has been me walking around like a baby pony after a long day at the fair, muttering things like, "ulgh, Im so sore", "You have no idea how sore I am", and/or "dude, seriously. No, I cant even...open this, Im so weak...oh and sore".

Some may say that this sucks, but baby Jesus's Dad had a plan when he created this thing called Human Body (Insert a shit ton of chemical reactions, blah blah blah, CH₃CH(OH)COO^-, etc, yadda yadda yadda) and the end result is DOMS. Being sore is actually good because you know you are tearing and reparing, baby! AKA gettin jacked.

Fucking DOMS. My friend Nick and I have a joke where days after a run one person will randomly receive a text that says something like, "Dude, my DOMS is SO delayed and onset". Shit just sneaks up on you hours or even days later. Anyway, when this DOMS character rears its ugly face, it hurts. So, while my natural reaction is to lay in my bed, sobbing in fetal position, I know that its actually best to get back out there and "run it out". Gotta train this loser body to suck it up so that when Im hurtin out there on the streets I wont feel compelled to cower underneath the water station and call my dad from my cell phone.

So thats what Ive been doing the past two days. Making myself get out there even though, dude, Im so sore. You have no idea. No, seriously. I can barely even type this...

The biggest (littlest) loser

Did about 3 miles last night easily. I originally didnt intend on running, but I DID intend on doing Exercise TV, so I figured Id get a bit limber and loosen up for the big event. Ive been having extreme back pain and have gathered that my core is weak and my legs and arms are strong. I mean, thats not hard to see. I have an extra xman muscle in my leg and I have an extra jelly donut in my belly- you do that math. This only half factual truth leaves me "weak cored". Im like a walking time bomb for disc slipping. Not really, Im not even sure I know what that means, but I am sure Im a walking time bomb for some sort of painful injury if I dont start really integrating strength exercises into my regime (as opposed to fake exercises, ie, taking the stairs, opening beers with my bare hands, reaching really high for cake batter mix, etc.)

Anyway, if you recall, my girl Cindy Whitmarsh from Exercise TV is usually the woman who administers the kicking of my ass, but to my avail, she was no where to be found! I plan on fully stalking out this situation a bit later on, but for the story's sake, all you need to know is that I settled on Jillian Michaels- who is the training coach for the Biggest Loser. I mean, shes allrighttttttt, her hair lacks luster and her jawline is no less than manly, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt.


That she-man kicked my ass! Seriously, Kevin called me post sesh and I had to keep switching hands because I couldnt even hold the phone up after those militaryesque freakin push ups she had me doing. Pathetic.

Anyway, Im sore today which was the point, and looking forward to my run tonight to hopefully leech some lactic acid out of these bad boys. I guess Im just wondering why I dont have a six pack yet though, what the F.

I Lost my running partner to cheese

There you have it folks, this sad, sad Thursday I regret to inform you that Krystina has decided to move back home to pursue a career in serving beer to very intoxicated golfers. You know that old saying, "Reach for the stars so if you fall, you land on a cloud"? Well this broad reached for the stars and landed in Wisconsin. I still think she is joking though, you didnt really move did you? I dont like surprises Krystina, just show your face, throw the party, and get this over with.

Anyway, so yes, Krystina will be training from home-intermittently between eating, tailgating, drinking, shooting up, and god knows what other desperate attempts for fun that state has conjured up. If you ask me, Wisconsin doesnt even exists, but what do I know.

OoOO. Ill tell you what I know. My new cool iphone app-"Cool Facts" has recently informed me that 25% of your bones are in your feet. Vewyy intewesting. This totally explains why 25% of my pain while running is in my feet. These sausage links were NOT engineered for running, Ill tell you that. They were engineered to be eaten in such an event that a plane crashes, and we are stranded in the Alps with no other source of sustinance... and we just so happen to also have some barbeque sauce.

Which brings me to my Memorial Day Purchase. New kicks! Im wicked excited about it. Although new shoes will not magically give me superhuman running abilities or improve my VO2 max whatsoever, they will provide me with the proper arch support that I need as my mileage gets higher-- Which, by the way, will be around the start of June. Without good sneakers your toenails will fall off. This is not a myth, this happens to a good chunk of people who run a marathon. Personally, I kind of love war wounds, scars, bruises, etc. so I actually hope this happens to me. War wounds mean youve been to war and lived to tell a story! And look! Instead of pictures I would like to show you my highly anticipated... fake acrylic toenail! My friend Jess sadly lost a toenail to an unruly soccer ball, and she got an implant! I didnt even know they made those, but oh do they ever and I, for one, cannot wait.

There's a reason cell phones don't fit in running shorts

So as I'm sure you've already read, mine and Amanda's run last night was brutal, nay, it was absolute medieval punishment. In fact, I would have gladly taken impalement right around mile 2.

Ok, ok, I know I'm exaggerating here people, duh. But seriously, I was miserable. Contrary to my little friend, the first mile was not all that bad for me. I felt pretty good and it was nice out and I thought my running tunes were pretty good. And then I hit what is referred to as the "proverbial wall." Right as we begun our ascent of what seemed to be the highest peak in Middletown, I started to lose it. My calves felt like they were burning and battery acid was running through my veins. I tried to keep my breathing regular but I couldn't even tell if that was helping. And after we finished climbing our fourth hill in a row, I was begging for mercy on the inside. I kept thinking, its such a good thing I don't have mobile, email, telegraph, or shit, even teleporting access because I surely would have somehow found a way to be picked up around mile 3. At this point, Amanda and I aren't even speaking and she is about 2 feet ahead of me. My spirits are down and my heartrate is up. I keep thinking, what am I going to do when it comes marathon time? And then I remembered that I am fully capable of doing this, I've done it before and I'll do it again. Running uphill isn't going away anytime, in fact, its going to get worse. I'm moving back home to my parents in a week to Wisconsin and they live in what seems to be the highest point in the city. The run we just did in Middletown started out at an elevation of 102 feet and the highest elevation we reached was 230 feet (above sea level duh). God, my mapping skills are really coming in handy here. Anyways, the relief was about 450 feet. Ok, sorry for getting side tracked but mapmyrun.com is really cool. Back to the matter at hand, where I'm going to be living is going to be even worse, the same 4 mile run is about 600 feet in relief, the minimum elevation is 614 feet and the maximum is 774 feet. Hopefully you all took Geology 110 and can figure out that only 160 feet of elevation with relief of 600 feet in 4 miles means your ass is running basically up and down hills...educate yourselves!

Now before I begin to get elevation shock, I have to remember that somedays are uphill battles and somedays are downhill battles...today is going to be a downhill battle. A two mile downhill battle. I may be defying the laws of physics, but I only plan on running downhill today.

Heart of an indoor cat

As opposed to my good friend Kevin Witkowski, whom Ive deemed a "lion" due to the sheer will and heart that his physical agility and indoor soccer skills thrive off of, I in fact no longer have the heart of a lion. I have the heart of an indoor cat. A shaggy, half shaven, toothless, indoor cat. I dont know when it happened, but Ive gotta get over this hump.

I came to this conclusion yesterday... well before our 4 mi run. At this point in training, I dont think that I should have to talk myself into going for a 4 mi run. I think I should just go bang it out and be done with it-- chalk it up as an "easy" day. Not yesterday. The first mile I was straight dragggggging. Just couldnt get in the groove. The second mile was not bad considering it was all uphill. Poor downtown planning, by the way. Id like to give a quit shoutout to the settlers of Middletown who I blame for this terrible, terrible urban city planning. Glad I got that off my chest. So yeah, the way home, was fine though- GREAT even, here's why.

It takes somewhere around 20 minutes (around 2 miles or more) for a bunch of awesome things to happen in your body. Without getting all sciency- It takes 20 min to warm up (ie, regulate breathing, set a pace, loosen up muscles, etc.). Thats a problem for me and it always will be. It is usually hard to get over that hump, but lately its just be extraordinarily hard, thats all. Ill get over it, though. You can say Im having a "Hump Slump" (haha).

When I tell most people my mileage and that Im training for a marathon the usual reaction is this- "Thats insane. Youre crazy. I cant even run 2 mi. I cant even run 1 mi."

Oh contraire my dear friends. Most people CAN just go out there and run... and run farther than they think, but they are in what I will now refer to as "2 mile denial". What they dont realize is that they CAN do it, it just sucks at first. It sucks for everyone. If i was in primo shape or in terrible shape- those first two miles feel exactly the same. Just killer. After that its smooth sailin. If people (and by people, I mean me) can just get over that initial reaction and get into a rhythm, its all good in the hood. Its not the same for everybody, and maybe not to the same degree, but the physiolgical reactions stand true.

The good part about this 20 min rule, is that this just so happens to also be the time that endorphins start kicking in, giving you more energy, a positive mindstate, and extra motivation. Good timing huh? For example, most of the time when I start my run, I have scowl on my face and am visibly tense. Lets just get this shit over with. Stupid sneakers suck. Stupid sidewalk, why dont they clean this shit up. By the time Ive hit my 3 mi mark, Im waving frantically at every neighbor and drug dealer I pass! Its just science.

So, while the majority of "training" is physical, for me, my focus right now is mental. Getting over the hump and training my mind to get over the wall so that I can be prepared to handle any mental opposition I might have. Any ideas are welcomed. Like, really welcomed. Holla.

Im sorry.

It appears that since Ive posted, a dark grey and very ominous cloud has drifted over my fellow blog minions; and for that- Im sorry. The people need me. If they cant turn to me, who can they turn to? What I just did was rude and thoughtless. It would be analogous to Barack Obama standing up in front of America, during a scheduled press conference and saying.

"(Sighhhhhh) I Just dont feel like it today, guys. I had a bad day, my puppy isnt eating, Its really hot out here, I didnt get much sleep, and Im just over it. Whats the point anyway. I hate being President".

I GUESS I can come up with something slightly more positive to say about the stupid Salmon River Run.

Around Mile 4, I was doing the horizontal shuffle (running more in a lateral movement, rather than actually advancing anywhere remotely forward) and a kind of amazing thing happened. I decided to give up on purposefully selecting my songs in an attempt to find any sort of inspirational beat and gave up. I just succumbed to whatever was going to come on because it didnt matter anyways. Well, it just so happened that a song I had actually just added the night before came on. I had never listened to it in its entirety before, but out of just sheer exhaustion, just let it run its course. (Pun not intended).

That song was Mates of State-Goods. Not your typical running song, but it was that day. As the indie soundwaves made their way into my cochlear business, I found myself actually happy to be running and remember having a minute of pure euphoria and was covered in goosebumps. (Later I realized this was probably the early stages of Heat Stroke, but it was cool nonetheless). As I was coasting down those trails, I thought to myself, this is why you run, and proclaimed to George, "Im back!"

George later told me that it was my very abrubt proclamation that carried him the rest of the way. There is a quote that Ive heard once that says, "Four legs can run longer than two" and
this is the epitome of that. You dont really realize how much your mood can affect your running partners mood, and how much you feed off eachothers energy. So when you pick a running partner make sure its someone who you can trust to carry you through the hard times as well as someone who is big enough to block you while youre squatting down to pee in a pile of poison ivy ridden leaves.

NOT a great day to be an American

I am of course speaking about May 9th, the day of the Salmon River Run. I know all of you probably have Refresh Cramp in your little pointer finger, so Im going to give you what you want, but Im not going like it.

Salmon River Run. Ohhhhh Salmon River Run. Where do I begin. This is unarguably the WORST run of my entire life. This probably explains why I haven't blogged about it yet. It took a few days to reflect, except that I didnt reflect. I havent even thought about it since. This is of course the perfect venue to dig deep into my cerebellum, so lemme just lay back on this couch and play a little word association game.

Comstock Covered Bridge= Dragons
Race Director=Suede covered, patriotic, fife players
Air Quality=Oh my god.
Race Course=ugh.
DNR= yes please.

Actually, I dont even want to talk about it*. Basically there are good days and there are bad days. Rarely do I have a run that is complete agony the entire time, but holy shit, this race defined devil territory. At one point I hoped that oncoming Park Ranger traffic would hit me. Even if it was at 5 mi per hour.

Princess Krystina over here and I plan to do a run tonight. Hopefully It will be so EPIC that it will totally negate and erase this from my memory. Because I dont really have the money for hypnosis, but if I have to resort to fundraising I will. Im not too proud.

*But, if you really need deets, please refer to George's very accurate and detailed depiction of the day's events, HERE.